Version 497
by CharlesTheBold
Summary: After nearly 500 reboots, Michael comes up with a new strategy to keep the four from realizing that they're in the Bad Place: grant their fondest wishes. Please review.
1. Michael New Strategy

**VERSION 497**

 **Michael's New Strategy**

 _(Disclaimer: I have no business connection with the Good Place. My only purpose in writing this story is to have fun and maybe share it.)_

Michael sat in his office, thinking. It was a day since he had shut down version 496, after Eleanor had once again shouted "This is the Bad Place!" with Chidi, Tehani, and Jason all in earshot. He had to reboot pretty soon. Too much danger that Shawn would pay a surprise visit, find everything shut done, and realize that Version 2 was no longer running. And then he would find out about Version 3, Version 4…

But Michael needed time to think. There was something fundamentally wrong with the Good Place project that made it fail again and again, and he had to figure out what it was.

Of course there WAS a fundamental contradiction at the heart of the project. On the one hand, he had to let the 4 humans think they were in the Good Place, where they were to have an eternity of happiness. At the same time he had to make them miserable because – well, that's what demons did. And the misery side was what always led Eleanor to realize that they were in the Bad Place.

If only he could get Eleanor out of the project. Give her her own private hell, like Mindy's Mediocre Place. But making that big a change in the project would require permission from the Lower-Downs, and they would want to know why. Once they started becoming suspicious of Michael, things would really become Hell.

Unfortunately, Janet wasn't much use with a problem like this. She would keep his secret, as she was programmed, and she had access to all the information in the universe, but she didn't know how to USE the information. She would recite the information to whoever asked for it, and it was recipient who would know what to do with it. She was no use in trying to devise a complicated plan.

And it didn't even occur to Michael to consult the other demons in the "Good Place". He couldn't be dependent on any of them. It was bad enough that they all knew about the reboots; he HAD to keep them under his thumb, convince them that he had some subtle plan beyond their imaginations.

Could he keep Shawn continually distracted, so that he never tried to check on the Good Place? No, it was a bad idea to play with Shawn's head. If he found out and decided to retaliate, there were very nasty things that Shawn could do with Michael's head.

But the idea of Distraction – that sounded fruitful. What if could keep Eleanor and the others distracted, not with general pseudo-pleasures but with some of particular interest to them, so their thoughts never drifted in the direction of "Hey, this is the Bad Place".

He put out an announcement for the demons to prepare for Version 497.


	2. Tahani's Hobby-Horse

VERSION 497

Tahani's HobbyHorse

Tahani set, disoriented. A minute ago she had stood, frozen, as a large golden statue was falling on her. Then there was a millisecond of intense pain, and now she was sitting in a fancy waiting room staring at a big wall sign saying EVERYTHING IS GREAT. It struck her as vulgarly American.

A door opened and a handsome English-looking man with grey hair looked out. "Tahani? Please come in."

She rose, trying to conceal her confusion and showing a stiff upper lip. Maybe she was injured and about to see a doctor – though physically she felt perfectly well.

He seated himself at a desk and motioned her to sit opposite him. There was a woman in a blue dress standing beside the desk.

"Let us introduce ourselves," the man said. "I am Michael, and this is Janet." Not a secretary, then. In class-conscious England, people did not introduce their secretaries. "You are Tahani al-Jamil, and you are dead. But don't worry, You're arrived in the Good Place."

Tahani's stiff upper lip was under considerable strain now. "But how-?"

Apparently taking the question literally, Michael started talking about some sort of moral-evaluation system. Evidentiaally Tahani ranked quite high, because of her charities.

"Thank you. But tell me, is Khamila here?"

"Khamila?" the man said, turning to Janet.

"Tahani's sister," Janet said, smiling for some reason. "She's still alive on Earth."

"Good," Tahami said. Then, covering herself, she added, " I mean, I'm glad to know that she is still alive. Er – will she be joining us later?"

"That's impossible to say at the moment," said Michael. "Moral evaluation takes place only at death. Besides, even if she IS high enough to qualify, she might go to a different Good Place, if her tastes and yours are different."

"Oh, yes they are," said Tahani. Particularly their opinions of each other.

"Well, at least let me show you OUR Good Place," said Michael, rising up.

Michael, Janet, and Tahani left the modern-looking office and she suddenly she found herself in a place of quite different architecture, a picture-postcard town. They went through a central green park and up another street. Tahani noticed the oddity that though there were many people wandering around the green, none of them introduced themselves, nor did Michael offer to introduce anybody. Maybe that was a custom, to keep the newcomers from being overwhelmed with culture shock..

They stopped at a pretty cottage, which Michael said was now Tahani's. Going inside, they sat in a living room, where Janet somehow conjured up a tea set.

"Tell me, Tahani," said Michael, "we tried to anticipate your tastes, but we didn't know everything about you. Tell me, is there anything that you've always wished for, but was never able to get?"

"Well, said Tahani shyly, "For years I've wanted to buy a horse, but couldn't afford it."

"For years" covered an awkward part of Tahani's life. Her parents had given Khamila a horse when she reached 15, but never gave one to Tahani. The odd thing was that, while Khamila rarely rode her horse, she refused to share it with Tahani.

"Let's go out back," said Janet.

They did so, and Tahani looked at surprise at a beautiful Arabian horse, standing in the middle of a riding ring, and a well-built stable on the other side. What were they doing here, when she had only expressed her wish a minute ago?

"There's a large pasture out that gate," said Michael, as Tahani patted the animal. "Why don't you take her for a ride?"

"Well, I'm not dressed for it," Tahani demurred, looking down at her outfit. The servant-disguise she had been wearing at the time of her death had vanished and was replaced by a dress in the style she loved.

"There are jodhpurs in the stable," said Janet.

Tahani crossed the riding ring and entered the stable. There were indeed a pair of jodhpurs draped over a branch. And the amazing thing was, THEY FIT. Tahani was accustomed to having clothes adjusted to fit her frame.

Now properly dressed as an equestrienne, Tahani crossed the ring again, put her foot in the stirrup, and pulled herself up onto the Arabian's back. Taking the reins, she guided the horse around so that she could go outside the pasture.

For a few minutes she was in ecstasy. It was a combination of a girl's desire for a pony, and the more complex desire for getting something that put her on a par with her sister.

Then she was struck by something odd about this – aside from the fact that she was dead. She pulled on the reins so that she could stop and think. When she had heard about heaven during her life, it was always about angels and harps in the Christian tradition, or oases and houris in the Muslim version. Not the fun of going horse riding. And why did Michael conjure this up out of a stray remark?

Something was VERY odd about this.


	3. Chidi's Challenge

VERSION 497

CHIDI'S CHALLENGE

"Chidi, you are dead. But don't worry, you are in the Good Place."

Chidi did not react to that exactly as an ordinary person would. Instead, his thoughts went back to Dostoievsky, and the Russian writer's formulation that "If there is no God, then everything is lawful – in other words, that ethical systems had to be based on religion. Chidi disliked that approach; his entire life's work was based on the idea that there were systems of ethics that were self-consistent within themselves. Was he to discover now that there was a God?

But the nice white guy seemed to be waiting for an answer. He wasn't sure what the girl in blue was waiting for; she just stood there and smiled. "So the theologians were right about a supernatural realm beyond what we could perceive on Earth?"

"Not exactly," said Michael. "Each religion saw some of the truth; none of them perceived it all." He pointed at a picture on the wall, posted where the august founder or leader would ordinarily be displayed. "That's Doug Forcett . He's the only one who generally got the description right. Though he was rather "high" at the time." Chidi wondered if Michael was pulling his leg, implying that a drug-addled teenager had gotten things right while the great thinkers of history had gotten things wrong. He decided to ignore the issue while thinking of something much more interesting.

He asked who lived in the Good Place. Michael described an intricate point system. The fact that Chidi himself had ranked high under the system commended it to Chidi, but it looked like it would take time to learn how the system worked. Fortunately Michael himself seemed to realize that, particularly when the woman at his side, who said "I'm Janet", seemed inclined to explain the while system in detail. He offered to show Chidi around.

Their excursion took them down one street, through a village green that functioned as a park, then up another street. The town looked charming, but that wasn't Chidi's real interest. He wanted to know how the society functioned.

Michael did perform one introduction, to a young woman named Denise, but that fell through when Chidi asked his new acquaintance about how ethical quandaries were resolved in the Good Place. Denise didn't seem to know what an ethical quandary was. Chidi decided not to rush things. After all, he seemed to have all eternity in front of him.

They stopped at a pretty cottage, which Michael said was now Chidi 's. Going inside, they sat in a living room, where Janet somehow conjured up a tea set.

"Tell me, Chidi," said Michael, "we tried to anticipate your tastes, but we didn't know everything about you. Tell me, is there anything important that we can provide you with?"

Ordinarily it would take Chidi a long time to think through alternative answers to this question, but at the moment there was one obvious answer. "I've been writing a book for the last few years; can I retrieve it from Earth?"

"Oh, yes," replied Janet. A large stack of papers materialized in her hands.

"Er, thank you," said Chidi, who was glad to see his manuscript but was not accustomed to seeing objects materialize out of thin air. "And now, I want to continue my writing, but it will require a lot of additional research. Would it be possible for me to have access to the Internet?"

"Internet?" repeated Michael. "I don't know the term. Janet?"

"A complex communications system developed on Earth at the end of the twentieth century," explained Janet. "Unfortunately, we are in a different space-time continuum from Earth, so that exchanging the necessary electronic impulses will not be possible."

"Well, I don't really need the Internet itself," Chidi said thoughtfully. "What I would really need is a sort of library of information."

"Can we get him that, Janet?" asked Michael.

"Yes," said Janet. "Follow me."

She led them through what Chidi had thought was the back door, and he found himself in an impressive room of books. Then he realized that it was just part of a whole. Through an archway he saw another roomful of books, and then another. The same sight was visible as he turned his head to the left and to the right.

 _It's going to take me time to get familiar with this place,_ he thought. _But then, it looks like I have eternity._

 _(MICHAEL'S LOG: It looks like the plan is going very well so far. Giving Chidi an infinite library was an obvious distraction, and although I didn't realize that Tahani was particularly interested in horse-riding, she seems very attached to her pet. No reason for them to worry about whether they're really in the Good Place or not. What's more they have interests that will isolate them and discourage them for talking to people who might give them odd ideas._

 _Next step, Jason)_


	4. The Joys of Jason

VERSION 497

THE JOYS OF JASON

 _(MICHAEL'S LOG: I've decided to abandon the idea of forcing Jason to impersonate an ascetic monk on this go-around. If I make him miserable from the start, he may guess that this isn't the good place. I have to find something to distract him. Torture can come later. )._

There was an older man sitting at a desk, and a pretty girl sitting at his side. Jason could not remember just why he was here.

"Jason, you are dead. But don't worry, you are in the Good Place."

"Good Place? Is that in Florida? Or over the border in Georgia? Or –"

"It is on a completely different plane of existence."

Jason didn't know what that meant, but it didn't sound like it really made a difference. "Cool. Say, could I have a beer?"

The girl raised her hand and a can of beer promptly materialized in it. Wow. "I'm Janet," she said, handing him the can.

"Thank you. Can you show me how to do that?"

"I'm afraid not. It requires control of inter-continuum forces."

"Oh."

"But you can summon me, if you need something, just by saying my name."

Jason wondered if he could summon her even when he didn't need anything. Better not press his luck.

The older man rose. "I'm sure you'd like to see your new home. Let us show you around."

They went out into a street. There were no cars; you seemed free to walk anywhere. The style of surrounding buildings looked sort of familiar, rather like a theme park in Orlando. That wasn't a good sign for Jason. He had never been able to schedule a concert for any of his bands in Orlando: too much competition. On the other hand, maybe there weren't many competing bands on this plane of existence.

On the other hand, Jason didn't know if his bands were here either. Maybe he should be looking for a DJ job instead. He asked the older man, whose name seemed to be Michael.

"No, you won't need a job, here, Jason."

"To earn money –"

"You won't need that, either. Janet will tell you how to get what you need."

They stopped at a pretty cottage, which Michael said was now Jason 's. Going inside, they sat in a living room, where Janet started to conjure up a tea set, then thought better of it and conjured up some more cans of beer instead. Michel sniffed and sipped at his can as if he had never encountered such a thing.

"Do you mind if I redecorate this place a bit?" Jason asked, looking around. Maybe a few posters or so on the walls-

"Do as you like, Jason, it's your house. But tell me, is there something we could supply that would make your stay here perfect?"

Jason thought. "It would be nice to have a girlfriend."

Michael looked startled. "A girl- ? Well, maybe I could line up a soulmate for you. Janet - ?"

"I can arrange it."

But after Michael left, Jason and Janet concentrated on setting up the house just the way Jason wanted it. Posters of Ariane Grande and other stars on the wall. A swimming pool out back. And though Janet said she couldn't connect directly to the Internet or cable services on Earth, she could make copies of everything and leave them at his fingertips. She could even get TV seasons that hadn't been broadcast on Earth yet.

But finally, Janet halted the work for a while, saying that she had some other duties to take care of, and even in this continuum, she couldn't be in two places at the same time. So Jason let her leave – or rather, vanish.

A few minutes later, there was a knock on Jason's door. It was a red-headed girl, and she struck Jason as somehow familiar, even though he couldn't think of where on Earth (literally) he would have known her.

"Hi," she said. "I'm Jackie. Janet sent me."

Jackie proved the perfect girlfriend, or even a soulmate, as Michael had put it. She seemed to share Jason's tastes in everything. She thought the Arianna Grande posters were cool, though she said she hadn't heard of the celebrity up to today. She thought his Youtube collection was awesome. By the time they had run through 5 videos, he noticed that the light outside his cottage window was dimming.

"Will you stay the night?" he asked.

"I'd love to," said Jackie. "But there is something that you must know. Janet had some trouble putting me together, particularly on short notice. As a result, I cannot Do It."

"Do it? Do what? Oh," he said, belatedly realizing what she was talking about. But it was not his nature to let a single disappointment get him down, where there were so many other sources of enjoyment. He hadn't intended his question to come out as sexually as it sounded. "It's all right. We can't have everything."


End file.
